Remapping our societal and familial conditioning takes time. Each belief-cluster is tangled up in smaller threads that show up in nuanced ways. We untangle one, feel the freedom from releasing it, and then may think we’ve evolved past it, only to find a related and attached thread is still binding us. One by one, we work the painful thoughts.
For example, I’ve been untangling the conditioning of internalized capitalism for years. All my beliefs around worth and value tied to doing, working and producing have sub-layers of beliefs around money and exchange.
My teacher, David Elliott, defines exchange as “the flow of consciousness given and received as energy, value, respect, appreciation and love.”
In a training this past weekend, David shared that “if exchange is clear and clean, then money flows.”
Where I spend money reflects my values. In turn, where (and to what extent) I receive money also reflects my self-value. Tangled up in this is also my relationship with my parents, their beliefs and behaviors with money, as well as how money acted as an exchange in our mother-daughter and father-daughter relationship.
With my emotionally-detached father and step-father, money was a substitute for love. A part of me has rejected receiving money because I had seen it as an "either/or" for love (and my preference is always love) rather than an “and” to receive both. With my mom, money was never “hers” or “ours” but solely her husbands’, whose permission she needed to spend it. That part of me has struggled against dependence and the energetic strings attached with monetary support from others.
As I explored these entangled limiting beliefs over two days, some insights arose. While I believe that I’m always supported by the Universe and will always have what I need, I felt a stickiness around whether it is my divine birthright to receive money regardless of what I “do” or “produce.”
Ah, and here is internalized capitalism again.
Therefore, my intentions for breathwork were to allow myself to receive monetary support from the Universe, and own that it is my divine birthright to receive money unconditionally.
While all breathwork sessions are unique, this was the first time in three years of practicing this style of active pranayama that the left (feminine) side of my neck spasmed and I purged. I could feel the energy rising from my sacral and throat chakras to spew bile from my mouth. Better out than in.
I could feel myself purge my female lineage’s pain of being considered property, of the historic inability to own any property of their own or to hold jobs and create income, and the stifling of Self as a result of their dependence-strings attached to money and marriage.
After clearing these energetic blocks, I felt a surge of energy and lightness. I felt at peace, free and joyful. I awoke the next morning with another insight.
In the past, I had taken trainings for the main purpose of better serving my clients and having more to offer, whether another tool or more knowledge. It had the added benefit of serving my healing as well.
What if I were to spend money on trainings simply for my own healing? What if I could give myself permission to do it for the purpose of self-healing with the added benefit of serving my clients? What if I simply budgeted for working with other healers rather than always relying on myself to self-coach, self-Reiki or self-facilitate breathwork?
And this, my friends, is how shift happens. So much is interconnected that when we heal in one area, it gives us space in another.
It’s why I find this work so delicious and so freeing. It’s why I love sharing this work with others. If you feel led to experience breathwork meditation healing or life coaching, I’d love to share these tools with you as well.