Self-Inflicted Suffering

One of my favorite Byron Katie quotes is: “We don’t hear what someone said; we imagine what they meant.”

We are constantly interpreting others’ words and behavior through the lens of our imagination and perception. We make up stories about what things mean. If the storytelling is negative, we suffer. It is not the other person hurting us, but rather self-inflicted pain.

For example, let’s say someone says, “Wow, you cut your hair.”

Hearing the words as they are defined, “Wow” is a surprise reaction. It’s followed by an observation of the fact that you cut your hair since the last time they saw you.

However, the statement could be interpreted a thousand different ways, all of which are dependent upon what you already think of your haircut and your sense of identity.

An interpretation is imagining what they meant by the comment. It’s often a projection. This other person acts as a mirror for how you see yourself.

This imagined intention can wreak havoc in a mind plagued with negative self-talk. This is all self-created pain, or what I call “dirty pain.”

Now what about when someone has intentionally tried to hurt us?

For instance, let’s say someone says, “You’re a terrible person.”

Only if we believe it—we agree with them—can it actually cause us pain. Otherwise, it’s the same thing as someone saying, “The sky is green,” or “It’s daytime” when it’s night.

To someone who knows they’re not a terrible person, they don’t take on the other person’s jab. They can see that the other person is in pain and is looking to cause pain in others because hurt people hurt people.

There’s a famous Buddhist parable which tells the story of the Buddha and an angry man who comes to insult and berate him. Instead of fighting back or absorbing the abuse, the Buddha asks a simple question, "If you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"

Surprised by the strange question, the man replies, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."

The Buddha smiles and explains, "That is correct. It is the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not accept it, the anger stays with you. You are the only one who becomes unhappy."

Now if we take someone's insult and replay it on a constant loop in our brain, we become the perpetrator of our own pain. It is once again, us hurting ourselves, but now repeatedly. Each time the story plays in our minds, we are the ones causing pain. Not the other person.

This is the basis of suffering.

If something painful happens, it happens in a snapshot of time. It’s a moment that ends. When it ends, it no longer exists. It can’t hurt us anymore because it’s over.

Haruki Murakami said, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

Suffering is when we allow the memory of it to live rent-free in our mind. It is when we replay the memory repeatedly and then spin out on self-created stories. Suffering consumes mental space, emotional capacity, and robs you of time. Suffering is self-inflicted. It offers nothing in return. It serves us in no way.

We don’t have to condone or approve of someone intentionally trying to hurt us to accept that it happened and move on. You are always at choice in whether you allow that pain to continue inside you. Only you can decide to let it go.

You are the one with the keys to your freedom. Peace is found within the present moment, when you can let the past stay in the past and clear the mind of thought.