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A Rebirth of Innate Creative Power

Writer's picture: Jenn BauerJenn Bauer

Updated: Jan 20

As a young girl, I learned fairly early on that it annoyed adults when I talked “too much.” The feedback was often that I was being “too loud” or “too disruptive.” In school, I’d be reprimanded for talking in class. So, I got quieter when I spoke.


In high school, one of my best friends ghosted me without saying why. I eventually found out it was because she thought I was “too much.” She described me to another friend as “talks too much,” is “all about herself,” and “flirts too much” with guys. So, I shrunk a bit.


In college, I observed my guy friends commenting about their girlfriends being “too emotional” or “too needy.” I certainly didn’t want to be pegged as that! So, I stuffed my emotions behind a wall and stopped asking for what I wanted and needed. That was further reenforced by the men who I later dated that complimented me on how “emotionally stable” and “low maintenance” I was compared to other women.


When I started working, I heard men and women alike define strong leadership qualities as “makes rational and unemotional decisions,” “calm under pressure,” and “plays their cards close to their vest.” I heard advice like, “You’re here to work, not make friends” and “Focus on the goal, don’t get distracted by watercooler chat.” I saw women passed over for promotions to less qualified men because the underlying reasoning was that she was considered “too emotional” to lead.


The women who did get promoted had reputations for being hard-asses. They acted more like men than women. They were tough, aggressive, stoic, and direct.


It seemed like all around me, from all angles, I was being told that in order to be liked, loved, and to succeed, I had to be as quiet and emotionally even-keel as I could possibly be. In my career, I worked hard, kept my head down, and molded into a behind-the-scenes kind of worker bee. In my romantic relationships, I deferred to my partner for his opinion and preferences. And in all engagements with other people, I intentionally talked less and listened more.


Oddly enough, the more I tried to shrink myself, the more I feared that I would be judged as unworthy. Any spotlighting and I could be the target of judgment. That my work wouldn’t be good enough. That my looks weren’t pretty or put-together enough. That I wasn’t kind enough, smart enough, or doing enough.


I was caught in this Catch-22 of fear that I was “too much” and yet “not enough.” It was exhausting.


Although I’ve been working for years on remapping limiting beliefs, it wasn’t until recently that I understood how deeply these “too much” and “not enough” thoughts were hooked into me and operating in auto-pilot in the background of my life. How they’re reinforced by most of society and our familial behavioral patterns that can be traced back for generations.


I started watching videos by Chris Bale, who is an energy worker and intimacy coach that supports both women and men in reactivating and realigning to their divine feminine and masculine energies. In one, he shared that over the past 10 to 15 years, he’s noticed that women’s most prominent fear is of being “too much.”


He said, "Society (and yes, the patriarchal structures) has shut down, controlled, and repressed women’s natural state of being. Feelings and emotions are seen as weakness. Sexuality is shamed. She’s been controlled, silenced, and imprisoned through manipulation. This has disconnected her from herSelf and her innate power."


Think about how often you have disclaimered (or have heard a woman disclaimer): "This is probably too much information, but..." before sharing anything that is open, honest, and transparently vulnerable about herself.


Have you ever worried about "over sharing?" That's a variation of the "too much" fear.


After realizing a variety of ways women censor themselves, I opened a blank document on my computer and began writing down all the fears I had about all aspects of myself judged as “too much,” especially as it pertained to expressing myself, my desires, my thoughts, and my emotions. I started to work the thoughts and remap them to truer alternative truths.


Later, in meditation, I saw the threads of this fear and pulled them back to the memories I shared above, and further back in the way I learned this from observing my mom’s relationships with my stepfather and father, and my grandmother in her fears and how restricted she was and the advice she gave. I noted the patterns and where they originated from in my conscious awareness, also knowing they were stored in my DNA for many more generations than that.

Group of women being energetically cleansed by the water element at a waterfall in Bali
Teman Beji Griya Waterfall in Bali, Indonesia

For years, I had been releasing layers of sexual trauma. And with the final layer washed away at a waterfall in Bali in October, I was finally ready to live more fully in my Divine Feminine power.


Then at a friend’s birthday weekend in the Santa Cruz Mountains in December, a body worker was intuitively reading my body as she massaged my muscles. She said that I was physically shrinking into myself and my body was trying to take up more space through inflammation.


She said, "When you're willing to take up more space, your body won't feel the need to do that for you. Your inflammation will go down and your plantar fascia should go away."


She also picked up that my sacral had no pulse. I shared that I had been trying to resolve digestive issues for years. Digestion issues are rooted in not "digesting" all of the emotions of life. Of supressing and repressing emotions.


She then pulled the fire down from my solar plexus and heart and re-activated my sacral. I felt it burst open like a lotus within me. With it, I let loose an incredibly powerful burst of stored up energy.


Since then, not only have my digestive issues resolved, but I’ve also been tangibly feeling the flow of what Divine Feminine creative source energy feels like in my body. It’s mind and body-blowing! At times I wonder how I’m not blowing out the electrical grid in Huntington Beach.


How have I not felt this before? How did I not realize the power that I’ve had buried deep within me?


I want every woman to feel this incredible power of creation! Words don’t seem to do it justice. It’s literally the seed of life that we carry inside of us and we women have put it in lockdown for far too long!


Since this rebirth of my creative life force, I’ve been diving into research and learning all I can about understanding Yin. Then a magical thing happened, as things tend to do for me between 2 and 3 a.m.


I woke up with a vibrational jolt. Then it felt like my body was split in half. I felt the tingle of what could only be described as water flowing down my left half, originating from my heart, like standing in a shower that was both hitting my skin and running along my insides down to my sacral, root and down my legs. I observed with fascination the nuances of this energy. Also noting that my right side felt completely normal. No energy moving, just my body.


Then, the tingling on my left half stopped, and my right half activated. However, this energy was flowing from my sacral and felt like fire flames moving upward to my heart, swirling in my heart and then heat moving up and out my crown.


As I noted the nuances of this sensation compared to the other, both sides moved at once. My left side flowing down like water and my right side flaming up like fire. They’d intermingle at both my sacral and my heart, coming together in a balanced exchange.


It wasn’t until the morning when my conscious mind started unpacking this experience did I realize I was gifted with knowing the feeling of both Yin and Yang in my body. What I had learned intellectually about the energy of Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine, I could now embody and understand at an energetic and physical level.


It feels like a rebirthing into mySelf. And with all this new creative energy surging through me, I’m inspired to help other women unleash their own power within. Which is why I’m hosting retreats this year dedicated to exactly that. To remembering, reigniting, and celebrating the Divine Feminine within.


If this resonates with you…if you hear a little bit of your story in mine…and you’re ready to step fully into your creative power, then I invite you to join one of these Devotion to the Divine Feminine: Self Love Retreats. The first one will be in Thailand from May 17th to the 24th. I’ll be co-facilitating with a dear friend and fellow Master Wayfinder Coach, Carmela Fleury. She’ll be leading us through Yin Yoga and some kundalini activations. Click here for more info!


Please Note: I’m planning a later one in Croatia in either June or September/October time frame (details to be announced as they’re solidified).

 

 

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